Why Your Team Sucks 2. Arizona Cardinals.

Some people are fans of the Arizona Cardinals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Arizona Cardinals. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Arizona Cardinals. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 7- 8- 1.

Perhaps you remember this team helping push the Jimmy Garoppolo hype train out of the station in Week 1, or the extremely predictable sixth career nosedive of Carson Palmer, or David Johnson nearly getting his knee detonated in the final game, or the sudden and baffling implosion of this team’s fabled receiving corps, with Michael Floyd getting an ugly DUI and J. J. Nelson dropping every pass and John Brown apparently running off a cliff face. But come on now. You’re not here for any of that shit. You’re here to relive the worst game in NFL history, a game in which the Cardinals special teams dragged America to hell: See now, those are the Arizona Cardinals I know and love. Draft all the speedy wideouts you like, Cardinals. Watch Weekend At Bernie`S II Online there. At your core, you’re still the same franchise that used to crash in Sun Devil Stadium and provide the Dallas Cowboys a ninth home game every season. You can’t fool me.

Cast and crew information, plot outline, ratings, and links.

Your coach: Bruce Arians, whose lack of chill will never not take me by surprise. Last year alone, Arians had to deal with chest pains and diverticulitis in his rectum. Lemme tell you something: when the job of coaching afflicts your heart and your asshole simultaneously, you should probably quit while you’re ahead and maybe lay off the paint smoothies. It’s not like the job gets MORE relaxing as you go. Arians is currently growing a short beard around the rest of his long goatee. It looks weird. He’s not a jolly man anymore.

Your 2016 record: 7-8-1. Perhaps you remember this team helping push the Jimmy Garoppolo hype train out of the station in Week 1, or the extremely predictable sixth. The Classic Porn offers best vintage porn, classic xxx movie, retro porn, French vintage porn movie, Italian vintage films, American vintage nude, German retro porno.

Your quarterback: Still Carson Palmer! Thought you might draft a hotshot college kid to take his place, did you? NOPE. No, it’s another year of seeing whether Palmer will get hurt or if he’ll simply turn the ball over 6. Here’s a guy who already plays 3.

Why, it’s as if he’s retired already! GOODY. “I love going to bed the night before thinking about the holes where I’ll hit driver or not, seeing all the guys at the course early in the morning, the never- ending challenge of playing, having a beer afterward and hopefully collecting a bit of money, too. It’s all just so much fun.”Now there’s a man who sound ready for some FOOTBAW! You’ll be in good hands when his knee buckles in eight different places in Week 4.

This article is based on more than 50 interviews with current and former high-level executives at Sony (all of whom insisted on not being identified by name.

GRRM Warfare. About 80 People, Give or Take: 1) Are Benioff and Weiss actually bad showrunners who have coasted on George R.R. Martin’s work? 2) Why was the. A transfer student to a rough high school tries joining the cheer-leading squad and she not only faces off against the head cheerleader, but against her former school.

Also lurking on the roster… YOOOOOOOOOOO GABBERT GABBERT! When Blaine Gabbert is on your roster, you go 3- 1. Even if he doesn’t play a snap, you go 3- 1.

It’s a law of the universe. What’s new that sucks: Nothing!

Karlos Dansby is back for a retirement parade and that’s about it. Floyd was cut and then won a ring. The line is decimated. Calais Campbell is gone, along with most of the secondary depth. The Honey Badger will get hurt again. You’re in for yet another year of retirees and failed Angelenos sucking down yard bongs in a glorified outlet mall and cheering for a team that will run out of gas by midseason.

What has always sucked: If it weren’t for California, Arizona would never have been made a state. It’s true. James Polk forced his armies westward to go claim California, and half his soldiers thought they had crossed over to the Netherworld while marching through Arizona and New Mexico. But they finally made it to the Promised Land and kept Arizona simply because they needed the through- route. So there you have it: Arizona: It’s In The Way.

This is a place that should not be. No one is actually supposed to LIVE here. Anyone who does is a fucking idiot. How badly do you have to hate minorities to stay in Arizona when California is RIGHT THERE? Look at the shit that lives here: No thank you.

What has Arizona ever given America? Tent prisons? Double- headed scorpions? Late- stage melanoma? Janet Leigh dead in a hotel shower? Senators who only pretend to be rebellious? Forty BILLION guns?

Copper mines (Copper: The Fourth Place Metal)? Cacti? Longtime commenter Clue.

Heywood annually makes the point that every broadcast network uses shots of cacti for every Cardinals game B- roll: So THAT’S what’s up Arians’s butt. Anyway, look at the big boring plant, everyone! It’s like I’m dying of dehydration just by looking at it! People in Sedona sit on rocks at night hoping aliens will take them away. This is actually a fair way of coping with being in Arizona, but still. This state is nothing more than a gigantic drain on our water supply.

We should cut them off and put Immortan Joe in charge. It is the 6- 6 tie of states. The only reason to visit Arizona is because of Grand Canyon and its citizenry had nothing to do with that.

I can think of nothing more appropriate to that state than being famous for a giant hole. Sheriff Joe is a Nazi asshole and I hope he dies in one of his own sauna prisons. Did you know? They roll the grass in on a tray? Seriously, enough about the grass tray. Literally every game, I gotta hear about how they grow the stadium grass outside the stadium and then roll it in.

OOOOOOH FANCY. How about instead of that, we don’t put an NFL franchise on the surface of fucking Mercury? What might not suck: David Johnson is gonna try to combine for 2,0. DFS price will be… oh, let’s call it $2. He and Antonio Brown are always so damn expensive. HEAR IT FROM CARDINALS FANS!

Steven: Arizona is an overgrown retirement community with a few decent people trapped in the middle of it. Our football team is a perfect fit.

Leitch: I know it didn’t get great reviews, but I enjoyed the Netflix Brad Pitt movie “War Machine.” Based off the late Michael Hastings’ fantastic book “The Operators,” it’s all about the fallacy of the Great Man theory of warfare. Every hyped- up overachiever always thinks that the only reason there are problems in the world is because they haven’t personally been assigned to fix them yet. Like General Stanley Mc. Crystal in Afghanistan, they come in, nostrils flaring, boots stomping, snorting and blaring around, convinced they’ve got all the answers. For a while, this can work. Problems like Afghanistan — or the similar quagmire of trying to sustain success with an NFL team — are so bogged down and intractable that at first, the big swinging dick seems like as good a strategy as any. Sure, this guy is all knees, elbows and teeth, but shit, it can’t get WORSE, can it?

But it always gets worse, and, in Mc. Crystal’s case, it got worse because he got so far up his own ass than he began to believe his mere presence, the fact that he was A Great Man, could stand in the place of actual policy.

He was feared, then mocked, then ignored, then ultimately fired. The minute the bubbled popped — the minute it became clear this Great Man had no magic formula, that he was just a dope like the rest of us — it was over quickly.

The bluster turned out to be all he had. In his place came another blowhard who was gonna fix everything. It’s still all broken. We have reached the post- hype phase of Great Man Bruce Arians, and I’m afraid it’s going to be a long, quick fall. Arians was all we’d been waiting for as Arizona Cardinals fans. He was brash, he was loud, he was tough, he refused to let his players stretch (OK, so that part was a little weird), he seemed to care about nothing but winning and also maybe his hats. In his first season, he took a team that had gone 5- 1.

Ryan Lindley, John Skelton, Kevin Kolb and Brian Hoyer the year before and won 1. Then he went out and won 1. Carson Palmer completely forgot how to play football in the playoffs, falling one game short of the Super Bowl.

Heading into last season, the Cardinals were a Super Bowl favorite and a model organization for the league.

Why Your Team Sucks 2. Jacksonville Jaguars. Some people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Jacksonville Jaguars.

Your 2. 01. 6 record: 3- 1. Here now is a full summary of your season: The Jaguars have lost 1.

At least when Cleveland loses, they go all out. By contrast, the Jaguars put on a cheap sheen of continuity and professionalism that renders them forgettable even when they’re steadily smashing records for hideous incompetence. Gus Bradley was 1. Jags finally, mercifully let him go. In Jacksonville, they don’t fire you so much as grudgingly admit that they never should have hired you to begin with). That . 2. 26 winning percentage makes Bradley the second worst coach in NFL history.

That’s the Jaguars for you: never quite bold enough to be the absolute worst. It goes on. The return unit got owned by a punter. The team’s best young defender got owned by Steve Smith. The Titans, their spiritual Thursday Night Football brothers, crushed them on national TV and have an actual future.

Oh, and the “Steal the show” lady? Turned out she was homeless. Is there nothing this area of the country cannot make horribly sad? Your coach: Oh look! It’s WIDELY RESPECTED mall dad Doug Marrone! You probably remember Marrone, seen here formulating a game plan, from the time he quit the Bills thanks to a strange contract clause that let him collect $4 million even if he opted out. Marrone was banking on getting another head job right away only to quickly discover that a coach with a 1.

Lucky for you Jags fans, the franchise…(wait for it)…pounced on Marrone (BOOM!), gave him a piddly- shit job coaching the line for an awful team, and then promoted him when they couldn’t find anyone better to hire. Buffalo’s loss is now your future loss! Congrats! You should hope the Jags play as hard as Marrone played himself. Anyway, this is the exact kind of uninspiring, bland hire the world counts on from Jacksonville. They are the Democratic party of football, trotting out one respectable loser after another.

The only time they make a splash is when one of their fans grabs his nuts in the stadium pool. HOWEVER, they did make one notable hire after anointing Marrone permanent interim head coach… (Ford Crown Victoria door flies open) OHHHHHH SHIT YEAH HE’S BACK! Yes folks, the glory days of the Tom Coughlin era are here once more. Early meeting times! Hands on hips! Yelling! Red cheeks! Players forced to play through horrible injuries!

Training tables with two different kinds of All- Bran! It’s all here. Now instead of going 3- 1.

Jags will go 4- 1. EXHAUSTED by the end of it. The old man has already gotten in trouble for pulling his whole “You’re late if you aren’t early” horseshit, so that’s a promising sign! Coughlin will be in charge of overseeing (i. I say by Week 4, he storms down to the field, rips off Marrone’s headset, and forces him to do 5.

DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE. Your quarterback: Ageful wonder Blake Bortles. Let’s see how those mechanics are going! Fantastic. This was the year for Jacksonville to bail on the Great Bortles Experiment.

But noooooooooo. No, these guys decided to fuck this chicken yet again and roll out with a quarterback who looks exactly like Tom Coughlin’s LAST Jags quarterback does right now. The Vatican moves with more swiftness than this team.

Look how old Bortles is. Even Lorde is like JESUS THAT GUY IS LYING ABOUT HIS AGE.

But the disturbing oldness of Bortles is arguably his least alarming quality… This play is hardly an anomaly. I can put on a game tape, close my eyes, hit STOP at any random interval, and still land on footage of Bortles being a basket case on the field. It’s astounding. To say Bortles regressed last season is an insult to other things that have regressed, like Twitter, and rock music, and the United States of America.

Bortles went BEYOND regressing and found a new and wondrous crevasse to fall through. His TD total fell dramatically. His yards- per- attempt fell dramatically.

Do you want to know the most disturbing part? He was sacked 1. 7 fewer times last season and was STILL worse. And he’s not even finished cratering, given that he’s spent these early practices doing his best Ryan Fitzpatrick impression. This is why there’s still a hidden subset of Duval holding onto hope that the Jags will sign Tebow as a franchise QB in like 2. So are we, Bort. So are we. What’s new that sucks: You’re not gonna believe this, but the Jags signed a lot of free agents! Shocking, I know.

This year’s Golden Parachute recipients included Barry Church, A. J. Bouye, and tackle Branden Albert. Will any of these men make a difference? LOL FUCK AND NO. Albert retired YESTERDAY. One look at Jags training camp and he was like, “Well this is hopeless.” I’m not sure any Jags free agent has actually ever ended up playing a down. I just assume that whenever the Jags sign a free agent, they lock them in a sewer dungeon à la Melissa Leo in that Prisoners movie.

It doesn’t matter if the Jags bring in a slew of free agents annually (free agents always come in slews). They will vanish. It’s magic. Also, they drafted Leonard Fournette, which would have been a crazy awesome thing to do exactly one year earlier. Now it’s like they drafted Greg Jones II. What has always sucked: Dave Caldwell is still here! How the fuck do you let Gus Bradley go but keep the architect in charge of all this futility?

They brought in Tom Coughlin but somehow forgot to can this guy… What the fuck? I swear to God, Shad Khan’s appendix could burst and it would take him eight weeks to visit the hospital. This is why the Jags will always be the official team of Thursday nights. They keep around the same leadership to hand out the same wasted money to field the same shitty product year after year for a bunch of hot tub yahoos who are too loaded to give a shit either way. Did you know? By area, Jacksonville is the largest city in the United States. I live in Maryland.

But technically, I ALSO live in Jacksonville. I’m not happy about it. What might not suck: At least you won’t lose any fights to a Bears fan. HEAR IT FROM JAGS FANS!

Noel: I almost rear- ended the car in front of me when my eyes rolled into my head after hearing a local sports radio host say, “I’m THRILLED the Jags are going to get to practice with the Patriots up in Foxboro this offseason. The young guys, the veterans, they’re all going to get so much out of that. Not every team gets that kind of opportunity.” There are few things more sad to me each and every single off- season than when the first Jacksonville sports radio host utters one of the following kisses of death: “I know I said this last year, but I’m telling you, I really like our chances this year” “I’m looking at this schedule and I don’t see how we win less than 8 games this season” “The Texans are really the only team in this division we’ve gotta worry about” “I love what I’ve been hearing about (insert shitty quarterback)‘s off- season workouts and training” “With (insert returning player guaranteed to underwhelm) back from injury this season, we’re going to see a lot of improvement on offense/defense” And then, unique to this year: “With Tom Coughlin back, there’s just a new energy in the locker room and front office that WILL make it onto the field”Del: The goodwill afforded to our “cool owner” is largely dependent on an extremely sweet hairstyle/mustache combo. Outside of personal style he has shown incredibly suspect judgment.

It’s bad enough to wait until Week 1. Jaguars word) in the history of the modern NFL after everyone knew he should have been canned in the previous offseason. No, that is fucking Oliver Wendell Holmes judgment compared to the fact that our owner is a foreign born Muslim- American who supported Trump, then was SURPRISED that Trump actually meant all that shit about banning Muslims.