We are recapping the show because The Bachelor is sports. Here is last weeks recap. Hello Sports Bachelor Nation I have some other good news or terrible news, depending on your point of view Tomorrow at noon I will be presenting Episode 2 of our Vox Media Facebook Live Bachelor recap show, First Impressions, with Liz Plank of Vox and Rebecca Jennings of Racked. You can watch our first episode here it was dope, but I am not a reliable source on the matter, given that I was in it. As such, I am once again in NYC, as opposed to Washington D. C., where I live. I found one of my best friends, Kendra, wandering the streets of Manhattan, so I was like Hey, wanna come watch The Bachelor with me in this hotel room And she was like, Um, no, you didnt find me wandering the streets of Manhattan, you called me and told me to come here. So shes going to be providing some color commentary. We are currently trying to turn the TV on, but we are accidentally stuck on the Adult On Demand section. Kendra just almost accidentally ordered Mom and Dad Bang the Babysitter, which is a part of the Erection Year 2. Package. LETS GO COCKTAIL PARTY NUMERO UNO OUT OF UNO MILLION, PROBABLYTonight on Beard Hunk. The Bachelor, Nick kicks it off with a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony TRADEMARK, because the producers made us wait until this episode to find out who got the ax last week. Nicks tie tonight looks like my grandmothers wallpaper. And you know what his personality reminds me of so far Toast that you burned and then tried to save by scraping off the burnt part. Stop reading now if you. As weve come to except, Corinne is a loose cannon. She takes her clothes off, puts on a trench coat which means she brought a trench coat to the show, unless the producers are more maniacal than I can even imagine and grabs a can of Reddi Whip. She takes Nick outside and tells him to open his mouth. Nick Handsome Software Salesman Viall does. Corinne shoots whipped cream at his face and makes out with him. Kendra and I both go, EWWWW at the same time. Then Corinne makes Nick lick whipped cream off her boobs and I go, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDRENThe other women are peering out of the window like whipped cream private investigators. Scandals 100th Episode Featured Olivia Pope Getting Married, and a Lily and Zac talk about what life would look like together. Theres a lot riding on The Bachelor this week, because we get our final four you guys were pretty close, which means hometown dates, which means meeting family. Read the Latest Entertainment and Celebrity News, TV News and Breaking News from TVGuide. Lets start off by putting the warning out there that if you DO NOT want to know any spoilers on the show, STOP. Theyre all like, What is she doing with a can of whipped cream and a trench coat And Im like, what do you think theyre doing whippets Getting high on aerosol fumes And then Im like, wait, actually, that would explain so much. Corinne has a freakout when Nick starts talking to another woman so she goes upstairs, sobs, gets into bed, and starts snoring into her mic. ROSE CEREMONY Of course Corinne doesnt show up to the rose ceremony. She doesnt have to She got the immunity rose last episode because Nick wants to have sex with her so badly. Nicks like, This could cost her and Im like, Dude, we know youre just thinking about her boobs and whippets, youre not fooling anyone. I have to admit that, judging from the cast bios, I thought Hailey was going to make it far. She doesnt. Nick sends her home like a kid who put one too many whoopee cushions under the teachers chair in elementary school. Im too busy tweeting really important tweets to respond. THE BEST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLDBefore we go back to the show, theres an ad for Reddi Whip. If that whole trench coat, whipped cream thing was product placement, I bow down to ABC. Chris Harrison, bless his heart, is not wearing chambray this week, but he is wearing plaid. AND THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS SHOW UP This isnt fair. This is like catnip for millennial women. I cant stop giggling. I just keep saying, Im so jealous, Im so jealous, Im so jealous, over and over. Id let someone break up with me five times in a row for this. The date is even better than the a capella number the Backstreet Boys sing to the Bachelor Girls in the mansion, because the date is this The women and Nick get to dance back up for the Backstreet Boys in concert Given that Jasmine G. Corinne is already trying to make this about her. Shes embarrassed about the whipped cream and sucks at dancing. This is an inaccurate statement Itll actually be 5. AND HER DAD, because this will be on national television. The women get on stage wearing crop tops and chokers. I cant keep up. Danielle is good at dancing. I try to do the dance on the hotel bed but I fall off and slam into the window, so I have even greater respect for these women than I did before. Kendra unfortunately gets footage of my attempt. Danielle wins and gets to slow dance with Nick while the Backstreet Boys sing a capella again. So is Corinne. Please arrange for the Backstreet Boys to sing a capella at my funeral when I die from the head wound I suffered from falling off the bed. During the night portion of the date, Danielle and Nick make out a lot. He almost puts his hand up her dress, but he doesnt. Corrine, who is 2. Raquel who slices cucumbers for her and, Im guessing here, probably brushes her teeth for her, too. Watch Beyblade Metal Fusion Episode 26 there. Jasmine is like WTF and Corinne is like, It makes her happy, and Im not going to stop a womans happiness. ONE ON ONE DATE WITH VANESSA IN SPACEBack at the house, the doorbell rings. Kendra thinks its NSYNC showing up to be like WHAT UP LADIES, WHO NEEDS THE BACKSTREET BOYS WHEN YOUVE GOT US But it isnt. Its a date card. Its for Vanessa. Vanessa is too good for this show. Shes also one of the most beautiful women Ive ever seen. Vanessa shows up in a black Escalade to the date, which is taking place at an airport. I would love before I die of this head wound to pull up to a date in a black Escalade. That would require two things, though 1 going on dates, and 2 having access to a black Escalade, both of which Im not, like, super sure will happen in the near future. But you know who nails both arriving to this date and going on it This woman goes to space with Nick in one of the planes that simulates zero gravity, where it shoots up into the sky and then comes down really fast so you float around. Things are great they make out in space, and Nick is like, No ones made out in space before, and Kendra and I are both like, There is no way thats true. Vanessa pukes, obviously. Having been in a trick plane before when I experienced six times the Earths gravitational pull not to brag or anything, I can tell you that this is a normal reaction. I did not puke, because, unlike Vanessa, I am strong and not weak, but I did feel sick for two weeks afterwards. Nick kind of rises to the occasion for the first time all season. He holds Vanessas hair and even makes out with her after she pukes, which is gross, but shes chewing gum now, so its less gross. He displays some semblance of a personality and I think he really likes her. As he should. She is a goddess. They go on a night date to the tallest building in Los Angeles and all I can think is that this date would be a nightmare for someone scared of heights. Vanessa tells a story about her dead grandfather. Nick cries because he likes Vanessa. I actually kind of believe himBut I will say that if a guy cried on our first date because he liked me so much, I would probably throw up. Vanessa already threw up, though, so I guess she got it out of her system. SPORTS DATE The final group date this week is a sports date. Because, as Ive been saying since I first learned how to talk in the early 1. The Bachelor is sports. The contestants go to a track wearing cute workout wear, and Im struck by how grungy my workout wear is. These women are wearing bras that look like something out of a bondage scene from the new 5. Shades of Grey movie and my old Nike sports bra from high school suddenly seems wildly inadequate. Good ol Brittany, however, makes me feel way better, because shes wearing a Bill Belichick style sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. Nick is running around the track, lookin all track y. Apparently he ran track in high school and college and Im like no offense, track people of course you did.